Welcome, NFL fans, to Super Bowl C.

You‘ll notice a few alterations to the game as we move into the second century of the annual NFL Championship Game.

This contest marks the first where the players will be robotic projections, competing within holograms. 3D characters, all of ’em. All available on your Motorola Home Stadium Experience.

Don’t have the MHSE? For $1,750 — about the price of three Happy Meals — you can install the unit in your residence.

Hologram football is yours.

When CTE was discovered back in 2017, American mothers decided to suspend all forms of support for the game, including the refusal to bring Gatorade to practices. Moms even stopped selling promotional team calendars.

American football was in trouble back then, we all knew it, but no one was talking.

If you’d like to review those remarkable years, insert brain chip #456.98.

If your brain is not yet chipped (Boy, are you behind the times!), digital files are still available at the Smithsonian. The download requires the use of an iPhone23e.

You may still have one in your attic.

Robotic projections represent actual players with astonishing accuracy. The players look just like any others you would expect on your home stadium screen/field. These robots exemplify human traits to perfection. Player skills were thoroughly tested prior to Wednesday’s Media Posing and Pelting Day.

Each football player completed top-of-the-chart performance examinations targeting his strength, agility and flexibility. Game adrenaline to game performance ratios were charted for all players. Personal information including family situations, current drug use/abuse data and possible connections to underworld betting sites were factored into each player’s motivation quotient.

The results of these tests are closely guarded secrets, protected by the Pentagon.

This year, the competition will be conducted under hologram rules.

Each team will run a set of plays in a particular order known to both squads for three quarters. The success or failure of each play will be determined by a computer analysis of players on a particular down, their effort given, the possibility of failure/success due to a cross-examination of potential outcomes too numerous to mention here.

There will be no injuries as holograms don’t feel.

The fourth quarter plays will be called by a national vote. Viewers may vote by inserting chip #385.09. The cost will be $412.50 for each vote ... about the cost of a six pack.

Commercials cost $1.2 trillion per 10-second slot.

A tri-partisan Congressional subcommittee will select the officiating crew from Amazon’s virtual referees.

For the 15th year in a row, it’s New England versus the Bears.

Don Cunningham of Fremont is a freelance columnist.

0
0
0
0
0

Load comments