Sketchy times, huh?

Say the silly, write the inappropriate, discuss the divisive at your own peril. Soon we will be in communication time-out for thinking the wrong thought.

And Thanksgiving - when all of the aforementioned stumbles typically occur - makes its annual Thursday appearance next week.

Not to worry, dear reader, I have your back.

Instead of fretting over food presentation or googling “favorite millennial/Xgeners views of holiday celebrations,” just put all your Pilgrim hats in this basket...the Thanksgiving prayer.

Stay with me here. And for heaven’s sake, do what I tell you.

First, carve the bird out-of-sight. Health care types inform me that Thursday is a major laceration day for them. Stitches. Three or four per visit. New definition of “carving the turkey”...if you get my drift.

Next, present the bird and insist that everyone, divinely faithful or not, stand and be reverent or at least exude a pretense of formality. Then intone the following...

Dear God, (or appropriate substitute Creator, Universal Being, Great Spirit, Interior Voice, Gentle Presence, Omnipotent One, Mr. Clean, whatever, just pick one)

We give thanks for: (select three) a. health, b. family, c. health care family members who carry stitching tools with them, or d. the imminent return of morning TV game shows when you-know-what finally concludes. (The use of this one may induce a spate of angry glares cross table. Use only if the atmosphere is light and totally free of personal political investment.)

We recall our ancestors who: (select three) a. rode wagons, some covered, some uncovered, across the Great American Desert to plant the family out West, b. fought in two World Wars to defeat the Kaiser and Mein Fuhrer, c. dreamed up drive-thrus, or d. only completed the sixth grade but, contrary to modern day flat-earthers, knew the world was round.

We honor our elders, gathered here among us for: (select two, don’t want them to get cocky) a. their kindnesses in raising us and loving us even when we were stupid, b. purchasing retirement home care insurance, c. continuing to watch network TV, or d. promising to give up the keys to their car soon.

We are thankful for the next generation who: (select any you want ‘cause they won’t do any of these.) a. emulate the finest of family values, b. will offer to pay for today’s turkey, c. attend church on occasions other than death, impending nuclear catastrophe or notice of eviction, or d. will, upon request, reset our router...remotely.

We eagerly anticipate: (select only one, picking more will result in you being dismissed as a zealot.) a. the next political election which will unite us all, b. the next Husker bowl game, c. demonstrative, undeniable evidence of climate change introduced as “breaking news” on Fox, or d. world peace.

We ask for continued blessings upon all categories, groupings and subsets of people.

Except mathematicians.

Amen. (Dig in. What? You’re vegan?)

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Don Cunningham of Fremont is a freelance columnist.


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